Fat people are dumb

I hauled my fat ass back to the gym today. I did one of those fitness classes that has a little bit of everything in it. We get to the kickboxing part and I am happy because I have done lots of kickboxing classes before. Anyway, I am following along with the instructor and she stops the entire class and comes over to show me how to properly position my arms for speed bag. I was really confused why she came to help me, I mean, I had it right. Especially because the Barbie behind me looked like she was doing some type of cheer from her high school glory days–flailing her arms and all.

We continue on, and we are doing these modified jumping jacks from hell. Let me get something straight: I fucking hate jumping jacks. First of all, I have boobs, big ones that are prone to get pissy if I cough too hard, so imagine how they feel with this jolt of activity. Second, jumping ranks first in shit I don’t like to do, followed closely by running. Anyway, Healthy Helen comes back and “whispers” to me (she was wearing a mic, so it wasn’t a secret between the two of us), “Honey, your face is really red, are you okay?” Do you understand the restraint I showed here? FYI, she is still alive. I told her, “Well, I’m really hot and she (Barbie) has all the fans here pointed to her.” You see, when Barbie cheerleader came in to the room she turned the three fans in the back towards her. What a bitch with a capital C, right?

After I had (the smallest) fan turned to me, we moved on. Every time our fearless leader showed an accommodation she would stand right next to or in front of me. People, there were two women in there three times my age who pretty much just marched the entire time. But, since I was the fattest in the class by a good twenty pounds, I was voted most likely to need an accommodation. At that point I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, I still don’t.

Anyway, I made it through the damn class without a) having a heart attack and b) murdering anyone. I am going back to that class again on Thursday, just so I can show that stupid instructor that the fat hasn’t gone to my brain. I am also going to get there five minutes early and turn every fan on me!