Dear Santa...

I'd like to dedicate this post to Tessy and Renee. I am A LOT more snarky and cynical in real life, and luckily I have these people to vent to about my distaste for tacky "Mommy blog" crap.

I don't understand the need for the Mommy Bloggers with national audiences to sweetly, innocently post their "Dear Santa" lists. I know what you are doing, ladies.

Then again, if I had a national audience I would sweetly, innocently post my list and sit back with a steaming mug of supreme smugness while my Christmas presents came rolling in. I would save all my money on the after-Christmas specials, because y'all know those deals are just as good, if not better, than Black Friday.

Here we go. Here are my lists. So, for all five of you who read my blog, sharpen your pencils!

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Dear Santa,


It's me, Cash! Normally a kid my age would say, "Gimme trucks and balls!" (LOLs, Santa! I love saying, "Balls!" NEWAY...) For Christmas, I want bandaids and ice packs for the poor souls I abuse. I like throwing things at people and the more I love them, the harder I throw. Apparently this hurts the feelings and faces of people. Also, I'd like a bowl that endlessly feeds me bananas and steel cut oats.


Later bro,
Ca$h-man

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Dear Santa,

It's me, Bradley! I just have to say, sir, I admire your scheduling. How do you do it? Do you have a Blackberry? Day-planner? Personal assistant? I'm trying to figure out the best system for my family, because I need to know what everyone is doing, what they were doing, what they will be doing, etc. It's a thing with me. Also, I need some more combs because my mom keeps trying to do crazy things with my hair; I just want it combed normal, like this:

Respectfully,

Bradley

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Hey Santa,

Jeff here. Hot sauce, bacon, and PBR. Same a last year, man.

Thanks!

Jeff

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Dear Santa,

I've thought really hard about what I want: an Anthropologie jacket, an Instagram family portrait, my cookbook published, Perez Hilton to be a bitch again, or a monthly portrait with my halo highlighted in a different color? It's really tough to choose. 

Ultimately, I think what I really want is a $10 giftcard to Target. It's small and doesn't take up to much space or detract from the joy my family will have opening their presents. With it I can buy Christmas decor and necessities for NEXT Christmas, because I just want to make each Christmas better and better.

Loving all your hard work,

Your favorite martyr Keiko 

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Hmmmm.... Yeah. That's about right.